Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")

And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have An additional location in which American Guys can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: give Everybody a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he need to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved Trump Tower Damascus a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the building's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Without end."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."

An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."